my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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