Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
It's blow job season.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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