I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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