how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize