you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
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