My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
