Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Randomize
