Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
