At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
