My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
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