I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
