Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
