I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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