the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize