I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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