i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Randomize
