1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
