apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
handjob tips. give me some.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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