she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Randomize
