Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize