i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
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