I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
he quoted the bible to break up with me
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
