I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
