college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
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