last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
