I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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