You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Randomize
