I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
