New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
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