Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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