They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
