fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
