surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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