So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Randomize
