Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
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