i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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