oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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