Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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