I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize