Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize