i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
this beer tastes like vomit already
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
