I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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