how can u be prego again
Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
