i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Randomize
