I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
