Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
