I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
