why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
