i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
