I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
