I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Randomize