She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
