please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
