She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
