I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
