My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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