I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
