My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
