i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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