Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Terrible idea I love it
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
