My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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