What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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