Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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