He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Randomize
