how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
