i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
