everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
