i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
