She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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