Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
