I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
My friends, they love my intelligence
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
