I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
