Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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