all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
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