yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
