I'm pants shitting drunk right now
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
