When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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