i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
