i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
