Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
