Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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