I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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