Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
And then my night got REAL pukey
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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