Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
