about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
